It is not often that I turn off a movie because of how bad it is. It takes a special movie to make me just quit and move on to something else. But some movies managed to be so bad, so cringe-inducing, that I was forced to stop in the middle. One movie was even bad enough to make me leave the theater. These are not the worst movies I have ever seen, but they were either boring enough or offensive enough, that I could not bear to watch another second. Here are the five movies I could not finish, ranked in order of how quickly I stopped watching.
5. Alexander- 45 Minutes
I was hanging out with my friend, and we were trying to decide on a movie to watch. He suggested the movie Alexander, and at the time, I was a film novice and knew nothing about the movie. If I had, I would have vetoed this choice.
And it is not just because the movie is awful. I mean, that is part of the problem. The choice to cast Colin Farrel as Alexander the Great is to this day one of the worst casting decisions. Most of the acting is pretty bad, especially Angelina Jolie, who is bad in almost everything she is in. It heavily leans on narration which becomes tedious, even if the narration is voiced by Sir Anthony Hopkins. The history is portrayed is almost entirely fabricated as well.
But I could have made it through these many issues. What made me stop the movie, is learning what the runtime is. I was watching this movie, and realized it was not going anywhere, so I asked my friend “How long is this movie?” He told me that what we were watching, was, in fact, the extended edition, and it was three hours and 45 minutes long. I put my foot down. No way am I going to sit through a movie this boring and pointless, for almost four hours. Oliver Stone is crazy for releasing this version, and my friend is crazy for being willing to watch it. Even the non-extended edition is 175 minutes. Still too long.
To this day my friend still insists it is a good movie that I need to give another chance, but this is the same friend who hates The Lego Movie, so clearly, his taste in film is just terrible.
Do Not Watch
4. The Love Guru- 40 minutes
Oh Mike Myers, what happened to you? How did you go from starring in genuinely funny movies like Wayne’s World and Austin Powers to this?
Love Guru may be the least funny comedy I have ever watched, well, try to watch. In the 40 minutes I had it on, I didn’t so much as chuckle even once. The jokes ranged from being offensive, to just plain dumb. Now I am not one to shy away from humor that pushes boundaries. But the offensive “humor” in this movie did not do that. It was just lazy punchlines, at the expense of others.
It is a cycle of toilet humor, racial humor, and sex humor. All of those things can work when well written, but none of them were well written here
The only part of the movie that is somewhat bearable, is the Sitar covers of pop songs. But even those, aren’t that good. The actual music is fine, but one, they are all completely pointless, and two, they are ruined by what is happening on screen while they are being played. A sitar version of Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5 was interesting, but watching Mike Myers strut around with a countless number of dumb gags happening on screen while he sings it, is not.
I am shocked I made it as far as I did. Probably because I was watching it at home, and could distract myself with other things. I eventually realized it was still on, and turned it off. I will not be revisiting this movie. No one should. It killed Mike Myers career for a reason.
Do Not Watch
3. The Passion of the Christ- 35 Minutes
Anti-Semitic, violent, hard to watch, vile. Am I describing Passion of the Christ, or am I describing its director, Mel Gibson? It only makes sense that a movie made by Mel Gibson is this… Mel Gibsony.
Gibson is infamous for his anti-Semitic rant. His bigotry shines through in this movie, which is more or less trying to blame Jewish people for killing Jesus. South Park Lampooned this hilariously in fact, portraying Gibson as a desperate nutcase who craves attention.
The movie switches between being boring, offensive, and disgusting. Now I have sat through and liked movies that have over-the-top gore and violence. I have watched movies that elicit negative emotions and are gruesome to watch. David Lynch specializes in movies like that. But in most of those cases, it felt necessary. Here it just felt, pointless.
As a piece of film, it does have merits. The acting is good, especially the performance of lead actor Jim Caviezel. Also good, the score, the makeup, the cinematography, and in general, all of the film craft aspects. As awful a person as Mel Gibson is, he does have some skill as a director.
But where the movie failed, was the writing, the tone, along with all the other things I already mentioned. No one should watch this movie. It is a snuff film disguised as a religious piece. Maybe it is because I am not religious, maybe I just do not get it, but why would people want to see Jesus get tortured for two hours? I guess some people did, because it was a box office smash, somehow making almost $600 million more than its budget. I guess a lot of people just like crap movies.
DO NOT WATCH
2. The Last Airbender- 30 Minutes
And here we have the only film I have ever walked out of in the theaters. The rest of these movies I was watching for free either on demand or with a friends DVD. I paid for this crap and felt 30 minutes was enough to justify leaving and counting my losses.
The Last Airbender is one of my favorite TV Shows. It was at its peak when I was still in middle school, and the show really spoke to me. It managed to be full of wonder and hope, while still eliciting real emotions and humor. The lore of the world within the show was fantastic.
The movie though is a crapfest. M. Night managed to completely lose everything that made the show good. The acting was atrocious. I mean it was all time bad. The three young teens they got to play the leads, gave some of the worst performances I have ever seen. I kind of have to blame M Night, because all of them were incapable of showing any emotion.
There is no joy in this movie. No humor, no wonder, nothing to care about at all. They took a fantastic property and made the most boring movie ever.
I tried to watch it again for free and turned it off even sooner the second time.
DO NOT WATCH
1. Dragonball Evolution- 5 minutes
I noped out of this movie in record speed. I knew it was bad going into it, and it did not take long at all to confirm.
I was only watching it because I felt I had to see exactly why people were calling it so bad, but I just couldn’t do it. I had to stop. I did not feel like wasting my time on something that was clearly going to be a disaster.
The scenery was ugly, the little bit of acting I saw was crap. It looked nothing like Dragon Ball Z. I am not the biggest Dragon Ball Z fan. I actually enjoyed Dragon Ball more than Id did Dragon Ball Z or anything that has followed. But I do still like the show, and this movie was an insult to the show.
I have nothing else to say about this movie because I barely watched any of it. Why is this a thing? Why do we need a live action Dragon Ball Z, when anime is so clearly the best medium to tell this story. Maybe today the technology is in a better place, but even still, if you want to make a Dragon Ball movie, just animate it.
DO NOT WATCH